In Search of Lost Canon, chapter 1

Chapter 1
Meeting

Introduction

This is the story written by me and Rainhowlspl. Some time ago we and our dear friend Yeppy were dabbling in blog analysis. We used to read badly written fanfiction, mostly Harry Potter, and point out the most stupid  mistakes and clichés.


This story is based on true ideas of wannabe writers. Yes, somebody actually came up with this stuff and put them in their fanfiction.

Beware: some parts may cause your mind to blow. We warned you.




The vast grounds surrounding Hogwarts were usually occupied by the students athirst for the fresh air. They were the place of rest, relax, intimate talks, secret dates and illegal duels. Here and there some unlucky fellow flew off into the air upside down, showing his underwear to the amused public. Just an ordinary idyll.
Until now.
Two great camps were set up just outside the castle. A scarlet and gold flag with a lion overlooked one of the camps while the silver and green one waved over the latter. If you took the closer look, you could notice one or two blue pennants but they immediately disappeared in the crowd.
The camps were obviously preparing for the battle.
Both camps consisted only of teenage girls. Every and each of them was a dazzling beauty, wore most fashionable clothes and had wonderful glossy hair. Their eyes continuously changed the colour and the pattern and their make-up was subtle and delicate – or at least they thought so.
Two figures, standing on the top of one of the towers, had the impression, that a regiment of clowns picketing against homophobia has surrounded the castle.
- What do you think of it, Rainhowls? – the first one asked, trying to outcry the clamour.
- It doesn’t look good, Miss Derisive – answered the other one. She looked at her watch. – Our guests should already have come. Let’s go.
They left the crenellations and ran to the dungeons.

The room was small and badly illuminated. Three figures in black robes were sitting at an old, shabby table which occupied the major part of the room. Each of those figures tried to pretend that they pay absolutely no attention to the other two. Behind them, a boy dressed like a Muggle was leaning against the wall. Rainhowls approached him and said:
- Hi, Yeppy. Only they came? – The hint of disappointment sounded in her voice. – I hoped for more...
- You should be glad that someone answered – he mumbled. – All in all, as we suffer such a disaster...
- And our special guest? Still not here?
- See picture attached.
Miss stood next to them thoughtfully, combing her hair with her fingers.
- Should appear soon – she expressed her hope.
- Excuse me – spoke Snape, irritated. He was nervously knocking the table with his fingers. – Shall we begin? I have the lessons tomorrow.
- You’re not the only one, Severus –replied coldly Professor McGonagall.
- And I have to write a Potions essay for tomorrow – complained Ron, glancing at Snape.
- You don’t have to – answered the latter as he noticed the unspoken request. – The ones you usually hand in is worthless, anyway.
Ron looked offended but he livened up.
- So I don’t have to write it? – he made certain.
- Not at all!
- Good riddance!
- I will take points from Gryffindor with greatest pleasure.
Ron reddened.
- But...
Snape looked at him, sniffily.
- The fact that we incidentally have a common goal does not in any way mean that...
- Quiet! – interrupted Yeppy. – I can hear the steps.
They stopped talking. The noise of the steps actually coming up from behind the door got louder and louder. Suddenly, the door snapped open, some scenic wreaths of smoke entered forcibly the room. They saw a pallid, noseless face.
- Am I late? – asked Voldemort.
- IT’S YOU! – shouted simultaneously Ron and McGonagall. They jumped on their feet and drew their wands out and pointed them at the newcomer. Snape was sitting stunned.
Voldemort’s eyes glowed red, he reached in his pocket and...
- Stop! – screamed Rainhowls. – He is on our side!
- Not on mine, for sure! –snarled Ron. – He wanted to kill my sister!
- Trust me, Weasley –drawled Voldemort, - that staying in one room with a blood traitor does not appeal to me, either...
The atmosphere became tense. Miss spoke airily:
- Let’s sit down and talk about it calmly...
- CALMLY! – four wizards were outraged.
Yeppy sighed and exchanged meaningful looks with Rainhowls and Miss.
- Actually, - he said, - the situation at Hogwarts doesn’t look good. Everything went insane. You want to fix it, we want it, too...
- Why? – asked Snape.
- What? – Yeppy lost the thread.
- Exactly, why? – continued McGonagall. – Who are you, anyway?
Silence fell in the room. Rainhowls slowly faced them and regarded them solemnly.
- You may call us... analysers – she said. – My name’s Rainhowls, call me Rainy.
- I’m Miss Derisive, Miss for short.
- And I’m Yeppy and I don’t accept diminutives. Cool, as we already know each other...
- Pure blood? – insisted Voldemort.
Analysers stared at him with astonishment.
- Who? We? – Rainhowls was surprised. – Oh, yes. Yes. We’re pure blood. Definitely.
- Pure blood Muggles – completed Yeppy.
- WHAT? – cried the Dark Lord. – And YOU are supposed to help us?
The other three seemed to agree as they watched the analysers with mistrust.
- Well, if you don’t need our help – Rainhowls moved towards the door.
- Wait! – McGonagall stopped her. – We’d just like to know, what makes you think that...
- ...you’re not totally useless – Snape finished  attentively.
- I wouldn’t say it so unceremoniously but... You must be aware how unusual this situation is. We would like to know where we stand.
Rainhowls glanced at Miss Derisive and walked away from the door.
- If that’s what will reassure you, ask anything you want. But be aware that we don’t have too much time.
- I will do my best to make it short – assured Professor McGonagall coolly. –Firstly, where did you come from? I do not recognize your accent...
- From Poland – stated Yeppy, raising his head proudly.
- Poland? Is it where the Hawaii is? – asked Ron.
- That’s Polynesia – explained Rainhowls.
- Poland – said Voldemort thoughtfully. – I went there in the beginnings of my carrier. I stayed for a whole day in the neighbourhood of that Wawel Castle of yours. The rumour had it that a source of extraordinary magic power was hidden there. Chakra, that’s what they called it.
- And? – Miss blushed eagerly.
- And nothing. It turned out that your contemporary Minister for Magic made it up to attract the tourists. He needed the money to build a new quidditch stadium.
- And where’s the stadium? – Yeppy got interested.
- It was never built – answered Voldemort. – The bureaucracy blocked the investment. I heard that the corruption scandal broke out.
Miss couldn’t help the whine. Rainhowls made a facepalm, mumbling „Welcome to Poland”.
- Putting aside your patriotic sentiments, I’m more curious about something else – said Snape, beady-eyed. –Namely, how on earth three Muggles could enter Hogwarts without difficulties and with no help from school personnel?
- Oh, this wasn’t difficult at all – replied Rainhowls lightly. – Your school called for us.
- That’s impossible – objected McGonagall. – I check  Dumbledore’s correspondence... for safety reasons, of course, given his current condition... and I assure you that he didn’t send an owl to any... analysers.
- I said „school”, not „headmaster” –Rainhowls decided to make it precise.
- Wait a moment – Voldemort raised his hand. – School? Brick walls, towers and a few classrooms inside? Is that what you have in mind?
- It is one of the protective spells that were casted by the Founders of Hogwarts. Facing an emergency that is taking place right now, the castle extended... a call to most suitable people. Maybe we’re not the most spectacular “to the rescue team”, but, on the other hand, this time swords drawn from the hat and crying birds won’t be of any help – replied Yeppy.
- Is that possible that the Founders foresaw something like this could happen? –McGonagall listened carefully.
- Salazar may have wanted to protect the castle from the raid of too many self-appointed heirs... or heiresses in this case – suggested Rainhowls.
- And those leaflets? – Snape took a colourful piece of paper. – “If you think that reality went insane, contact us”?
- It was my idea – said Miss. – These girls wouldn’t read the whole sentence. There was no danger that the message reaches wrong people.
- At first I had an impression that this is a leaflet from some religious association – admitted McGonagall. – I nearly threw it away.
- But it was effective – Miss was slightly offended. – It counts, don’t you think?
- But how did you know that the wizard world exists? – Minerva was still skeptical.
Yeppy stared in the air, like he was reading the writing from an invisible book. He said in a philosophical voice:
- The art of reading has not passed away in days of computers...
- You want to tell us that you’ve read about it in the books? – asked Ron. – Muggle books?
- It’s ridiculous – Voldemort bridled up. – I, Lord Voldemort, am supposed to entrust Muggles, who...
- I guess we have no alternative – said Snape gloomily. – Anyway, you haven’t objected to take advantage of Muggles so far, my Lord.
Voldemort considered this point of view. The thought that he would be the one taking advantage of them and not at their mercy, was more suitable to his Dark Lord image. He drew himself up and pointed the analysers with his skinny, pallid finger.
- I command you to remedy this situation or you will suffer a well-deserved punishment. – He seemed to have some ideas already.
Rainhowls reluctantly sat by the table and beckoned Miss, who took out the notebook and the pen.
- Since we have finally found a reason not to kill each other, shall we begin?
She treated the silence as “yes”.
- OK, so let’s start. Firstly, tell us about all the strange things you noticed.
The wizards began to watch their fingernails, look at the ceiling or the table, avoiding looking on the others.
- The older should go first –muttered Ron.
- Oh, don’t be shy, go ahead – answered Voldemort. – Severus, you...?
- You’re too kind – mumbled Snape gravely.
- You behave like children – concluded Minerva. – Oh, all right, I’ll start. – She looked at the analysers. – Dumbledore has gone insane.
- What? – Voldemort showed some interest.
- Could you be more precise? – asked Rainhowls.
- All he’s been doing recently is organizing students’ exchanges, school trips to Fiji, mounts a Yule Ball every week! It’s like he’s read the book “How to be a dynamic headmaster”!
- Wait, and what do you know about this book, Minerva? – Snape smiled nastily.
- I... Oh... – the Deputy Headmistress looked confused for a moment but then she answered proudly: - It’s not the subject of our discussion.
- Sure – assured Miss. – What else does Dumbledore do?
McGonagall went on. It seemed she had been waiting for too long to spout it.
- He forgets about the students for a few years and then we have loads of problems with new fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds. He grants them private dormitories. He attends the meetings with disreputable fellows and talks about wangling maternity grants! And a few days ago – she lowered her voice, - he asked me if I find holding some houses to rent more worthwhile than managing the school!
Analysers looked at each other and nodded their heads.
- And you, Ron? – asked Yeppy.
The redhead blushed.
- The thing is... – he muttered. – Hermione takes no notice of me.
- Honestly, this is ridiculous – said Voldemort. –We are not here for discussing the love life of a teenager!
Ron, if it was possible, blushed even more.
- No! What I mean is... Her behaviour is strange.
- Because she takes no notice of you? – Snape raised his eyebrows. – I’d say she’s starting to behave sensibly at last.
- She’s dating Draco Malfoy! – exclaimed Ron, hitting the table with his fist.
He finally caught their attention. McGonagall and Snape exchanged unfriendly looks. The sparkle in Voldemort’s eye suggested that one of the Death Eaters should expect a serious talk with the Dark Lord.
- It’s totally not like her! – Ron continued. – For all those years they were at each other’s throat, and now? Wherever I go, I always come across them making out! And Hermione keeps inventing new names for herself: Ashley, Keitrin...
- We see – said Rainhowls. – And you? – she asked the other two.
Voldemort sighed and waved the wand. The hefty file binder appeared in the air and fell on the table with a rumble. The cloud of dust soared.
- I have another twenty of them – he added explanatorily.
- And what’s this? – Miss was interested.
Voldemort seemed to fight with his thoughts, eventually he confided:
- Petitions for child’s support.
- WHAT?! – exclaimed the analysers and McGonagall began to choke.
- According to these documents, I have a few thousands unlawful daughters at the age of fourteen to seventeen...
Snape hawked.
- Well... I must admit that I never suspected that you led such a...multifarious life – he said, while Ron kept giving the Transfiguration professor back blows.
Voldemort’s eyes flared with sincere blood lust.
- They are not my daughters! – he hissed. – I have no children!
- How do you... ack, ack... thank you, Weasley, but you shouldn’t have stricken so hard... how do you know? – asked McGonagall, wiping the tears.
- I simply know, OK? – he shouted angrily. – My plans to take over the world never involved having enough daughters to fill a small village! And I will talk to you later – he turned to Snape.
The analysers ignored last sentences.
- These supposititious daughters... – said Rainhowls. – Is it possible that they are in this crowd camping outside the castle?
Voldemort, still outraged, shrugged his shoulders.
- How should I know? I don’t know them, I have never seen them in my whole life! I’m only curious, how I’m supposed to take control of the world, spending most of the time in the courtroom...
- OK, OK... And you? – Yeppy asked Snape.
They all looked in Potions master direction who was clearly embarrassed at the moment.
- These... girls – he pronounced this word like a really vulgar swear-word – keep sneaking in the castle, intruge into my office and demand tea. Do I look like a tea seller? – he asked rhetorically. –They’re constantly stalking me, some of them caught me taking shower and... IT’S NOT FUNNY!
- Not at all – McGonagall assured, looking at the ceiling with her eyes glittering.
- And yesterday... – Snape hesitated with a grimace on his face. – Yesterday they made me wear a grass skirt...
The others could no longer keep their countenance. The analysers were laughing out loud, Minerva and Ron fell into each other’s arms, roaring with laughter, even corners of Voldemort’smouth budged. Snape’s earthy face was coloured pink.
- I thought we should tell you about all the anomalies – he said sharply.
- Of... of course – answered Miss, trying to catch her breath.
Eventually they managed to calm down, though they were still avoiding each other’s eyes.
- Let’s sum up – demanded Yeppy. – What else do we have?
Rainhowls looked into her notebook.
-Madam Pomfrey reported that heroic youngsters keep bringing languorous girls, whose veins are filled with rubies and they tears are crystal. Actual epidemic. Sirius ensures that he stood next to Dorcas Meadowes in that photo only because Moody thought there was good light there. Ice People decisively deny any connections with the Potters or the Malfoys...
- Who are those Ice People? – interrupted Ron.
- Never mind – Miss brushed him off. – Something odd’s happening here.
- And we probably know what it is – added Yeppy.
- WHAT? – the four wizards shouted unanimously.
- Something important is missing – explained Yeppy. – It can be within Hogwarts’ territory...
- But what is it? –asked McGonagall. – What does it look like?
- If only we knew... – sighed Miss.
- Some map would be useful – said Rainhowls.
Ron shyly raised his hand.
- I... I have got a Hogwarts’ map. I thought we could use it and I sneaked it from Harry – he said, taking out the Marauders’ Map. – He’s behaving weird, too – he added. – He tries to make friends with everyone and everything, real example of mercy... I myself saw him try to hug a Blast-Ended Skrewts.
But the others were not listening, since they took interest in something else.
- Potter has got Hogwarts’ MAP? – asked McGonagall.
- POTTER has Hogwarts’ map? – asked Snape.
- Potter has HOGWARTS’ map? – asked Voldemort.
- Give it to me – Rainhowls snatched the map from Ron’s hand and laid it on the table. – Great, it can be very useful.
- What now? – Miss wanted to know.
A long, awkward silence fell among them. Everyone was thinking of some plan, wishing that someone else comes with it first.
- Ron, have you noticed any change on this map? – asked Rainhowls, still examining the map.
- No. I think not... Should I?
- I guess so.  Take a closer look.
The Gryffindor bent over so that his freckled nose almost touched the parchment. After a moment he noticed what the analyser meant.
- Those dots...
- Exactly – Rainhowls nodded her head. – It used to be like that, didn’t it? A tiny dot and a person’s name next to it. But now... – she passed the parchment to Miss Derisive. – The dots are replaced with something else.
- Footprints – whispered Miss as she understood.
- Would you kindly explain us what it’s all about? – the Transfiguration teacher asked with a harsh voice. – What do those footprints or dots have to do with the situation in the school?
- It’s difficult to explain – said Miss Derisive evasively. – Let’s say that changes on the map represent the changes at Hogwarts.
- We know that the map shows Hogwarts as it is right now – continued Yeppy. – And it’s totally nutty. If there’s a place, where the thing we’re looking for is hidden, it should be shown on this map.
- This place should look like before – finished Rainhowls.
- If you’re so brilliant – said Snape half-heartedly, - you surely know where this “something” is.
- Of course we do – answered Miss.
- You do? – asked the wizards.
- We do? – the other analysers were astonished.
- Sure – the girl pointed one of the rooms with her finger. – It’s right here.
Everyone, even Voldemort, bent over.
- It’s Hufflepuff’s common room! – said Ron.
- But why it’s there? – McGonagall frowned.
- Because none of those girls would ever go to Hufflepuff. It's beneath their dignity – explained Yeppy.
- But wh...
- If only we knew – Miss sighed again, giving the map back to Ron. – OK, time to hit Hogwarts’ corridors. But before we set off... – she lifted the carrier bag – take them.
She took out four small but hefty books and gave them to the wizards. They looked more than skeptical.
- Spell checkers? – Snape was surprised.
- Are we supposed to read them? – Ron seemed nervous.
- Oh, you don’t have to – said Miss. – But it’s a good idea to have them with you. We found out more than once that this book can scare some people away better than Hungarian Horntail.
- You can throw it at somebody – Rainhowls winked at Ron.
- Since we’re already armed, we can go – Miss opened the door and the analysers walked out. McGonagall and Ron followed them, so did Snape, although his face expressed his opinion about the escapade. But Voldemort stood still.
- You thought I’d listen to some foolish Muggles? – he hissed, when the rest stopped to wait for him. – I, Lord Voldemort?
- We hoped so – sighed Rainhowls stagily. – But if you don’t want to... Well, it’s you that is going to become famous after all. Lord Voldemort, the Wizard Who Didn’t Know About The Contraception.
The chuckle could be heard and the Dark Lord looked like he would breathe fire. He followed them without a single word.
- Nicely done, Rainy – muttered Miss.
- I know – the other answered unbashedly.